My old college music theory professor once told us that learning can be very stressful. One day he passed out a sheet of some light-hearted jokes to ease the tension of school. Below are some of those jokes - I hope you find them amusing. You can insert any musician into these jokes - make up some new ones of your own even! If you have any new ones you want to share - please send them to my e-mail link with the heading: "Jokes for Guitar4you."

E-Mail: guitar4you@hotmail.co


JOKES

Q: What do you call a musician with a college degree?
A: Night manager at McDonalds.


Q: How do you reduce wind-drag on a guitarist's car?
A: Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.

Q: What's the last thing a drummer says before he gets kicked out of a band?
A: "When do we get to play MY songs?"

Q: How do you get a guitarist off of your porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.

Q: How can you tell if the stage is level?
A: The drool comes out of both sides of the drummers mouth.

Q: What do you throw a drowning bass player?
A: His amp.

Q: What is the difference between a punk rock guitar player and a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.

Q: What's the difference between a dead chicken in the road, and a dead guitarist in the road?
A: There's a remote chance the chicken was on its way to a gig.

Tuba Player: "Did you hear my last recital?"
Friend: "I hope so."

Q: What's the difference between a guitar and a chainsaw?
A: You can tune a chainsaw.

Q: What's the difference between a folk guitar player and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad guitar player?
A: A bad guitarist can kill you.

Q: What's the difference between an opera singer and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.

Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A: A music critic.

Q: How many bass players does it take to pave a driveway?
A: Seven- if you lay them out correctly.

Q: How do you get a guitar player to turn his amp down?
A: Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.

Q: How do you get a guitar player to turn his amp off?
A: Put notes on the sheet music!

Q: Why are guitarist's fingers like lightning?
A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.

Q: What do you do if you see a bleeding drummer running around in your back yard?
A: Stop laughing and shoot again.

Q: What do all great conductors have in common?
A: They're all dead.

Q: What do a guitar and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

Q: How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None - they'd get their girlfriend to do it.


OR

Q: How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 13 - one to do it, and twelve to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"

Q: What was the epitaph on the blues player's gravestone?
A: "I didn't wake up this mornin'..."

Q: How can you tell when a singer is at your door?
A: The can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.

Definition of a Relative Minor: a Bass player's girlfriend.

Q: What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless!

Three guys are sitting in a bar:
Guy #1: "Yeah I make $75,000 a year, after taxes."
Guy #2: "What do you do for a living?"
Guy #1: "I'm a stockbroker. How much do you make?"
Guy #2: "I should clear $60,000 this year.
Guy #1: "What do you do?
Guy #2: "I'm an architect."

The third guy has been sitting there quietly, staring into his beer, when the other two turn to him.
Guy #2: "How much do you make per year?"

Guy #3: "Gee...uh...I guess about $13,000."

Guy #1: Oh yeah? What kind of strings do you use?"

Q: What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
A: Gifted!

Q: How do you get two drummers to play in time?
A: Shoot one of them.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from the drum solo!

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None - they have drum machines to do that now!

Q: What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
A: Drummers!

Q: What did the bass player get on his IQ test?
A: Drool!

Q: How can you tell when your lead vocalist is out of tune?
A: Their lips are moving!

Q: How do you make a chainsaw sound like a lead vocalist?
A: Add vibrato!

Q: How many lead vocalists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one! They hold the bulb and the world revolves around them!

Q: What's the range of a fretless bass?
A: About 20 yards if you've got a good arm!

Q: What's the difference between a bass and a guitar?
A: The bass burns longer!

Q: What happened when the bass player locked his key in the car?
A: He spent an hour trying to get the drummer out!

Q: How many union roadies does it take to plug in an amp?
A: Eleven. You got a problem with that?

Q: What's the difference between a keyboard and a coffin?
A: The coffin has the corpse inside.

Q: What do keyboard players use for birth control?
A: Their personalities!

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The piano player can do that with his left hand!

Q: How many jazz pianists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Screw the changes - we'll fake it!

Q: Why are set breaks limited to 20 minutes?
A: So the band doesn't have to re-train the drummer!

Q: If you were lost in the woods - who would you ask directions from:
An out-of-tune bass player, an in-tune bass player, or Santa Claus?
A: An out-of-tune bass player! The other two indicate you were hallucinating.


"A Guitarist dies and goes to Heaven"

A guitarist dies and goes to heaven. There he is greeted at the pearly gates by St. Peter, who says, "Oh, you're going to love it here. We have Marshall stacks in all of the practice rooms, every guitar you can imagine, and we have jam sessions here every night until 4 a.m. Everybody's here: Jimi Hendrix, Stevie Ray Vaughn, John Bonham, Randy Rhoads, Duane Allman, Keith Moon, Bon Scott, Jim Morrison...You'll love it!" The guitarist replies, "That sounds great. But tell me, is Yngwei here?"
St. Peter hesitates and reluctantly answers, "No I'm afraid Yngwei didn't make it up here. He went somewhere else, if you know what I mean. Besides, his attitude wouldn't fit through the gates. But you must be tired," he says, returning to a smile, "so check into your practice room and I'll see you later."

So the guitarist finds his way to the practice room and starts unpacking. From the next room he hears the familiar neoclassical strains of a heavy - metal shredder. As he listens more closely, he realizes that it sounds exactly like Yngwei. He walks back to St. Peter at the gate and says, "I thought you said that Yngwei wasn't here." St. Peter replies, "That's correct, he isn't."

The guitarist shrugs and returns to his room. Again he hears the clean-picked harmonic minor scales and tight-voiced thirds whizzing by at a 32nd-note clip. He even hears the melody line to "Black Star." Bewildered, he goes back yet again to St. Peter. "Look I know I heard Yngwei in the next room," he insists. "If that's not Yngwei in the next room then who is it?"

St. Peter glances around, making sure no one else is listening, then pulls the guitarist close and says under his breath,

"The guy in the next room? That's GOD. He thinks HE's Yngwei Malmsteen!"

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2004 by Jim Fitzpatrick. All rights reserved.